


The case of the missing eyeliner, mortal peril and other assorted shenanigans

by gigantocellularis



Category: Lost Girl (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 11:16:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21337357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigantocellularis/pseuds/gigantocellularis
Summary: Kenzi and Vex go for a night on the town to escape the sounds of doccubus lovemaking
Relationships: Bo (Lost Girl)/Lauren Lewis
Kudos: 5





	The case of the missing eyeliner, mortal peril and other assorted shenanigans

Kenzi sighed heavily and flipped through the TV channels, unable to find anything interesting or loud enough to distract from the sounds of sexytimes coming from the other room. She was happy that Bo was getting it and all but seriously? Lauren didn’t have any roommates, why couldn’t they hold the nightly sex-lympics at hers?  
“Christ on a bike!” came the sudden exasperated cry from the other side of the couch where Vex had been using a dagger to clean under his toenails. He stood suddenly. “If I wanted to listen to other people having sex I’d have stayed at the Morrigan’s place.” He turned to Kenzi. “We are going out.”  
Kenzi snorted. “Yeah right dude. Like any fleabag dive you’d want to party in would be sophisticated enough for the likes of _moi_.”  
Vex considered this for a moment. “I’ll let you use my PrimaGoner eyeliner.”  
Kenzi looked mutinous, but at the sound of another ecstatic moan from the succu-boudoir, relented. “Done.” She said. “You get the make-up, I’ll pour the pre-drinks.”

  
As it turned out, Vex couldn’t find the PrimaGoner, but Kenzi settled for CruiseLiner with the promise of him buying the first round of drinks. She stacked up on her highest heels and he fastened himself into his leather pants, and they hit the town.  
“So, where is this swanky joint you’re so keen to get to?” she asked as they hurried down Main Street. “Dude! Slow down! Heels!” Vex stamped in expiration, but slowed, amusing himself by scratching the paintwork on the Audis parked outside the fancy restaurants with his pentagram ring as they passed by. Eventually they turned into a side-street and Vex knocked on an unremarkable looking door. To Kenzi’s disbelief, a hatch at eye-level slid open, just like in the movies, and surly-looking pair of sunglasses peered out.  
“Password?” growled the unseen wearer.  
“You look like a tit.” Replied Vex. The glasses were whipped off in an extremely imminent smackdown-laying way, and Kenzi thought now might be the time to back the fuck up. However, after a tense moment of eyeballing, the sunglasses went back on with a sigh.  
“Oh, bloody hell. It’s you.” Said Sunglasses, and the bolt was drawn back. Vex made to move in, but Kenzi grabbed his arm.  
“This is not exactly an auspicious beginning for our night of fun times! You said, ‘nightclub,’ not ‘murder hole’!”  
“It’s a speakeasy, donut” hissed Vex. Kenzi threw her hands up in exasperation but followed him in. They walked past Sunglasses and down a damp and musty concrete corridor (that did nothing to ease her nerves) eventually emerging into... the frigging fanciest place Kenzi had ever seen.

The room was tall and cavernous, but perfectly adapted to contain sophisticated evening drinkers. The walls were smooth and painted black with intricate designs picked out in gold, and gold and red couches littered the floor, clustered around dark mahogany tables. At the far end stood a long bar staffed by a tall man in a white shirt and suspenders, and off to the side a Jazz trio was playing, the hi-hat hissing crisply. The clientele were clad in a range of outfits, from 20s flappers and gangsters to leather three piece suited rockers with steampunk goggles. Several people wore masks, and all were drinking from cocktail glasses.  
“Dude...” Kenzi breathed “... it’s like goth _Chicago_ up in here.”  
“I hope you like gin.”  
“I do tonight.”  
So they got a few drinks and Kenzi got acquainted with the chaise longue and was just beginning to think that for once Vex might have got his priorities straight when there was the sound of someone clearing their throat from the other end of the room. Vex looked up from his martini then pulled a U-turn from tipsy to sober in record-breaking time.  
“Oh fuck.” He said. Kenzi swallowed her olive and looked around at the throat-clearer, a tall guy in a black suit and fedora with- holy balls- blue skin. Not Blue Man Group blue, more like faded denim. The club was suddenly gunslinger-saloon quiet, all eyes on the throat-clearer. Even the band stopped playing, the hi-hat crashing as the drummer dropped his stick on it.  
The throat-clearer glided forward. Vex stood to what seemed to be as close as he could manage to attention. They looked at each other. Kenzi attempted to get ready to bolt without actually moving.  
“Vex,” said the throat-clearer, his voice deep, authoritative and melodic, “I may not have been upland for a good long while, but I’m pretty sure ‘banned for life’ means the same thing up there as it does down there, regardless of whether you brought snacks.”  
Kenzi hit Vex on the arm. “Dude, you brought me to a _Dark Fae bar!?_ You shi-”  
“Kenzi?” interrupted Vex, not looking at her, “shut up.” Seeing the expression on his face, Kenzi fell quiet. Vex, until very recently, had been a scary motherfucker, and anyone he was scared of would probably win the creep Olympics. And he’d just referred to Kenzi as a ‘snack.’  
Vex was trying to appear nonchalant. “It’s been a while since I’ve been downland. I didn’t know that this was your bar when I came in.”  
“Don’t give me that shit,” said the throat-clearer, a long and ornate dagger appearing, as if by magic, in his hand. “You know Charlie covers all the clubs where I am in residence. Although the reasons why he let you in I expect he will take to his grave. Which won’t be a long trip.”  
This was beginning to look very bad indeed. Many of the patrons were delicately laying their drinks on the tables and shuffling towards the exit. Others, however seemed to be settling in like they were at the movies. Seemed like brawls were the stuff of entertainment here. Vex was beginning to sweat, but the throat-clearer hadn’t moved. Kenzi realised that no matter how intimidating this dude was, it was very, very difficult to fight a Mesmer, no matter how ornate your knife was. He probably didn’t know that Vex was (right now) effectively powerless, so he was hesitating.  
Kenzi’s hand brushed her pocket and she felt a lump in the otherwise skin-tight fabric. Trying not to breathe, she inched her hand towards the pocket’s opening. The object inside was cylindrical, a tube. Eyeliner! We’re all saved! Except no because it’s fucking useless! The throat-clearer was saying something else menacing now, but Kenzi was having trouble concentrating. Her hand closed around the tube. She brought it out slowly, and had an idea. An extremely stupid idea. Bo would have been proud/incandescent with rage.  
She waited for the moment. Suddenly, Vex’s right hand twitched. The effect was immediate- the throat-clearer dropped into a fighting stance, primed to spring the second he could. Kenzi knew there would only be a microsecond before he realised that Vex was bluffing then they were all up shit creek. She moved, cursing herself for getting dragged into this mess and leapt at the throat-clearer, wrapping one hand around his thick neck and using the other to jam the uncapped eyeliner deep into his right eyeball.

And, as might be expected, all cliché broke loose.

The guy was on his knees, roaring. The patrons were laughing, shouting and running. A glass smashed somewhere. Vex raised his hand menacingly and the patrons within range leapt aside. Vex grabbed Kenzi and yanked her away. Together they ran out of the beautiful room, through the damp corridor and into the night. Kenzi hoped like hell she wasn’t going to break a heel, and Vex wished his leather pants afforded a little more range of motion. They ran in zigzags back to Bo’s place, constantly looking over their shoulders in case of pursuit, but no-one followed.  
They eventually crashed through the door, slamming it behind them and leaning heavily against the wall of the short entry hallway. Kenzi felt like her heart was going to explode and her feet were killing, and Vex looked as if he’d be in need of a defibrillator any second. Lauren and Bo looked up from the magazine they were reading together on the couch. They were both wearing robes and sipping steaming mugs of cocoa.  
“Jeez,” said Bo, “what happened to you guys?”


End file.
